i am a rock

"but it is the way of my people to use light words at such times and say less than we mean. we fear to say too much. it robs us of the right words when a jest is out of place." -- jrr tolkein, the return of the king.

i read this quote tonight and it resonated in that place, the one i really don't like to go to because it just seems too real.

you see, i'm quite adept at covering emotions or otherwise awkward situations with humour. it doesn't necessarily mean i don't take those things seriously, or i don't think of them in those moments right as sleep becomes wake. but it's what i do. in most situations, for me personally, finding the lightness in things is what keeps me going. my pa also told me that if a person can still laugh, then everything will eventually be ok.

but that's not what this post is about. as things often go, one train of thought will lead you down a completely different set of tracks.

instead, i'm thinking about expiration dates.

mine tends to be two years.

i seem to be really good at pouring myself into something or someone for this amount of time. but once it's time to turn that hourglass back over, it seems to just break instead.

it's never a conscious action, and it's never a choice i make. or maybe it is. i often view my reactions to things as a shimmering version of myself hovering over my corporeal form - observing and just as curious as to what i'm going to do next.

it certainly doesn't mean i don't think about the consequences or the ultimate outcome; it doesn't mean that this is the way i want it all to go. my fingers have hovered over keyboards dozens of times, just waiting to hit send on e-mails that should have been written months ago - but i don't hit send. my bags have been packed - but i don't go. the words have been burning my tongue - but i don't speak.

then things just become sour and it's time to let them go completely. i haven't yet reconciled within myself how to make things fresh again once they've spoiled. i don't know that there's a chemical or emotional equation yet created for that kind of repair.

so until someone smarter than me - or more evolved - figures it out, i fear i'll continue residing on this little island i've created out of bones, memories, music & books.

"i have my books and my poetry to protect me/i am shielded in my armour/hiding in my room, safe within my womb/i touch no one & no one touches me/i am a rock; i am an island" -- simon & garfunkle